Utter Obedience Can Cause Pain

It’s a true reality that I am fairly obedient.  I sometimes complain about what I am asked to do, but mostly in a joking way.  Other than that, I do what I am told.  Thus comes the story of my latest accident.

Over the past year, my older brother, Jeremiah, has gotten really into cycling.  I rides around 30 miles most days; it seems to be rare when he misses a day.  Another thing about my brother is that whatever he takes interest in, he wants me to as well.  So he bought me a used road bike that is blue and awesome.  I went home last Sunday for a few days, and on Tuesday we went on a ride.

I hadn’t been on a bike in a long time, and never on a road bike.  I’ve never ridden more than a few miles except for maybe on the stationary bikes at the gym when I was in high school.  Bishop, CA is at a little more than 4,000 feet above sea level.  However, because I have been living in San Dimas for more than a year, I am no longer used to the elevation at home.  Thus begins the longest 14 miles of my life.

Originally my brother wanted to do a 30 mile ride, but it turned into what was supposed to be about 20 miles I believe.  Except on mile 3.5, I couldn’t breath.  I haven’t had an asthma attack in a long time, but I had one on Tuesday.  So we had to stop for a while and Miah let me use his inhaler.  Soon I was ready to go again.  We shortened our ride so it would be a little more than seven miles each way.  Now, it must be noted that he told me to “never stop pedaling;” I took that information to heart.  So on our way back, we came to something like an S curve.  I hit the first corner and he said it was great, just a little wide.  On the second curve I must have forgotten how to brake or something.  Anyway, I was going way too fast, probably at least 20 mph says the brother; I slid and crashed.  Now I am missing most of the skin on my elbow, waiting for it to be healed enough to be comfortable again.  How wonderful.

This has taught me that sometimes it is safer to be slightly disobedient and stop pedaling.

Isn’t it Funny?

Isn’t it funny how broken our world is?  Think about it; there is not one single perfect person on the face of this planet.  In fact, there has only been one perfect human since the beginning of time, and His name was Jesus.

Isn’t it funny how we all try to hold it together?  We think that if our flaws are exposed that we will no longer be accepted, but this makes all feel unacceptable in their weakness.  Isn’t God our strength when we are weak?

Isn’t it funny how all the Christian kids grow being told to stay away from the “bad” kids, the ones who don’t go to church, when Jesus’ greatest command was to fulfill the Great Commission, to make disciples?  These kids will grow up to be just as judgmental as their parents!  The church will fail to grow!
Have we failed God?  Is He disappointed in our self-centered belief that we are special because we are saved?  Hello! THIS IS A BROKEN WORLD!  No one is perfect.  Romans 3:23, “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.”  Let us not forget that.

I’m feeling that the time is coming where all will be accepted as Christ accepts us.  Where a gauged ear, tattooed bodied, metal head can walk into a church without someone assuming that he or she is lost.  I think it’s time that people accepted that the world is changing, has changed.  God did not call us to be racist, judgmental, ill-hearted Christians.  He called us to live as Jesus lived.  Where are the healings?  Where are the resurrections?  Why does the world hate Christians instead of loving God?  Why have we been such a poor example of the God we serve?  Can we please try to see the world through Jesus’ eyes?!

I was depressed.  I was broken (still am).  I have gauged ears and a dino tattoo.  But guess what, Jesus LOVES me.  If God accepts me for who I am, although I am far from perfect, who am I to condemn those who are in the same place I was?  Remember, no one is perfect.

Isn’t it funny how God created a perfect world, but humans messed it up?  Isn’t it funny how He gave His only Son to die for those who broke His perfect world?  It is love, and we need to learn it.

 

Sometimes I Just Need to be Alone

Exactly that.  I need to be alone.  I am a secretly ascetic person.  I deal with things on my own.  I spend my time with Jesus in solitary silence.  I’m slightly extroverted, but much more an introvert.  I just need to be alone.

I’m thinking about stopping the crazy person pills, but I’m feeling the stress even now.  But if I can feel it, does that mean that they’re not helping me?  I thought I was supposed to be better.  I’ve been spending more time with Jesus, which should also make me better.  Jesus is the great healer.  I feel that right now though, I just need to be alone.

I have many things I need to get done.  However, before any of that happens, I am going to lay in my bed and dwell.  Just dwell here.  I can dwell on the good things, contemplate the bad, and figure out how I’m going to make it through.  I know that I’ve got this.

So that’s all.  Nothing enlightening, nothing amazing; just someone needing no one else, realizing how much aloneness can comfort.

Stumped

Yeah, I’ve been busy.  But school is over for the semester and I’m doing a local internship with my church, which means I get to stay in the area for the summer.  So this is sort of why it’s been so long since my last post.  Anyway…

 

I just went on a run and when I returned I spent sometime with Jesus, doing my devotions.  I read the passage in Matthew 20, where the blind men call out to Jesus and He asks them what they want.  All they ask for is their site.  The devotion I was reading discussed how they didn’t ask for a closer relationship with God or anything like that, nothing spiritual, just their site.  
If Jesus walked up to me in the flesh, right now, and asked me what I wanted, what would I say?  I honestly have no idea.  I mean, it’s Jesus! I would feel silly asking for earthly possessions.  I could ask for all of my debt to be paid off (school and such), but He already provides for me, how could I ask for more?  

Yes, there are things I want; a new car (mini cooper), a new camera, a new guitar, etc.  But really, these things won’t last forever, even if I do receive them.  They are only good for the short amount of time that I have left here on earth.  When Jesus returns, I’m not taking anything with me.  

So, if Jesus asked you what you wanted, what would you say? 

So tired…

I am so tired of being tired.  I can’t even wake myself up anymore, because I’m always tired.  I slept 10 hours last night, and I’m still freakin’ exhausted.  I’m pissed.

I’ve let myself get into this lazy rut where I’m not even close to being tidy and I lag on my homework.  I haven’t even been writing every week.  And I know I’ll come out of it, but I’m just sick of it.

I want to be done.  I know that there is like 2 weeks left of school, but I’m still so tired.  I need to force myself to put effort into it, but it’s just so hard.

I had my heart set on an internship in Illinois this summer, so sure that they would accept me; they didn’t.  I’m terrified of going home, but I feel like that’s my most likely option.  I was offered a possible internship at my church here, but I don’t think I’m going to get to do that one either.

I can’t go home for another summer.  I’m terrified that I again won’t have a job and that I’ll have to try to keep myself happy at home.  I won’t be able to pay for gas, and that town just depresses me in general.  I’m not saying that everything about Bishop is bad, but I can’t be happy there; trust me, I’ve tried.  I wasted 18 of my life in that little town, and I can’t handle it.  I can feel the spiritual oppression as I hit the valley line, but no one believes me, no one understands.  I am getting along with my family much better, but can I trust that to stay if I have to see them everyday, if they have to deal with me everyday?  I can’t do this.

On the bright side, Mary is back in the states.  She surprised me 2 weeks ago and it was the most delightfully confusing moment of my life.  I am amazed that she loved me so much to spend months concocting a surprise plan like that.  She is the best person in my life.  I love that I can see Jesus in her, and that I helped her to see Jesus when she couldn’t find him.  She told me that; that

The Slug

If you know anything about me, you should know that I am overly in love with pie.  It’s true.  And that is where this story begins.

On Monday nights I play volleyball with people from work; it’s awesome.  This last Monday, my friend Jordan came back from a party with a huge pie left over.  I jokingly yelled to him that pie was my favorite food.  He gave it to me!  Best person in the world award goes to Jordan Fehlen.  However, as I already said, I was playing volleyball.  So instead of taking my pie into my room right away, I put the box on the grass with the rest of my stuff.

After a wonderful game of attempted volleyball, twas wonderful, it was time to pick up my things and take them inside.  So I gathered up my water and my sweater and my keys, and then I picked up my pie.  I noticed there was some chocolate on the outside that got onto my arm, so I licked it off; except the pie was apple.  The chocolate was a slug!  Needless to say, I am scarred for life.

I ran into my room and threw the slug in the trashcan.  Then I went into the commons to enjoy the pie with some friends, still almost vomiting from the slug incident.  Then my roommate comes out and asks, “Now what did you learn from this?”  My response?

“Don’t lick things off your arm.”

This is yet another reason that I’m glad I’m single.  No man’s gonna wanna kiss a slug eater.

Sweetly Broken

Well, I’m not perfect.  Everyone knows that.  To be completely honest, I thought my spring break may be flingish.  I was completely set on spending my week with this guy I kinda know.  Nothing serious, no commitment; just hanging out and being ridiculous for a week; then I would go home and my life would go back to normal and I would remember why I don’t want/need a boyfriend.  However, that failed; it was a stupid idea anyway.

So, this morning I was lamenting my stupidity, and I decided I should probably play my guitar.  I was gonna just play some old worship songs, but a new one was stuck in my head so I looked up the chords.  One Thing Remains by Jesus Culture.  Seriously, God has completely forgiven me, so why would I turn from Him to live a worldly life, even if it was only for a week?  What is wrong with me?  And I know that I am only human, but my debt is paid.
Next I played Sweetly Broken.   Usually it’s just a fun and true song for me to relate to and sing.  But today was different.  I need to be clinging to the cross.  I am a broken human being, just like everyone else.  I am sweetly broken by and for my Savior.  I need to be spending hours, nay days on my knees, thanking God for what He has done in my life; He has done everything.  I feel like my heart has been so broken, and I was dealing with it and then I just gave up.  And today I realized that I need to continue to deal with it, rather than create more hurt.  I’m going to be okay.
However, my emotionally charged worship roller coaster did not stop there.  I found an old song.  Holiness, Holiness is what I long for.  Holiness is what I need.  Holiness, Holiness is what You want from me.  So take my heart and form it.  Take my mind, transform it.  Take my will, conform it to Yours Oh Lord.  What the heck!  Why on earth was I pursuing disgusting, worldly pleasures?!  God wants me to be holy; He wants me to be faithful; He wants me to be righteous.  I can only do this if I am pursuing Him.  I GO TO BIBLE COLLEGE!  I feel like I’m supposed to have my heart figured out.  What’s the point of studying His word and pursuing a life in ministry if I can’t even listen to Him when He is screaming in my face.  I need Jesus, that’s it.  Nothing else will do.

And so, although I have been home, and I tend to blame my depression on this town.  I know that God works, even here.  God is everywhere, and wants all of me, my life, everywhere I go.  Even when I go home.

I’m Just Trying to Live

Really, I have no idea what I’m doing.  I feel like I’m trying to control the things that I’m comfortable with so that they don’t leave me.  But they still leave me.  I’m still stuck here.

I hate that I always complain.  Yeah, I do have some good things in my life, but those who I felt I could trust, that I thought were there for me… they’re gone.  They have their own lives and they don’t need me messing them up.

I’m praying about leaving.  Because I dont’ have a home.  If I can make enough money, I could maybe drive for a while, until I find a place to settle down.

I need a new place to feel safe.  I don’t feel safe anywhere.  I’m not comfortable.  Every time I find something positive, a reason to get my hopes up, it dies.  They realize that there will always be a better option than me, and again I have nowhere to turn.

I know I need to rely more on God.  I know that I’m living for Him, and that when I trust Him to provide, He does.  So why can’t I trust Him with my future?  I am terrified.  I both want to be forgotten and don’t want to be left behind.  I feel that it would be easier on everyone else if I wasn’t here, if I was forgotten.  But I know that I would feel worth and joy if I was included, remembered.  I don’t want to be this disgusting broken person, and I feel like I’ve come so close to full restoration.  However, I feel that I am forcing myself to be better so that people don’t have to worry about me.  I worry that I’m not really getting better, but that it is all a lie that I’m telling myself.  I don’t want this anymore.

I know that there are positive things to look at.  But I don’t know how to remember the positive.  Where is home?

You Didn’t Tell Me

You didn’t tell me you were hurting.
You didn’t tell me who you lost.
You didn’t tell me she was through.

I see you as one of the best, one of the few I can trust.
I try so hard to hold you so closely, but still you pull away.
“Be gentle,” you say, even though we both know you caused your own pain.

How did I hear?
I thought we were closer than this, but no, I heard from the others.
I feel as if your affections have become a competition, one that I am very good at losing.

So I have come to a conclusion.
You don’t love me anymore.
I don’t ask for much, at least I don’t think that I do.
But alas, I have lost you.

Maybe I should stop trying, I always knew I couldn’t.
Dancing along the lines of this friendship has become pointless.
The lines are disappearing, and so is the relationship it encompasses.

 

Unsure

Everything is good.  I don’t really have anything to complain about.  God is giving me peace.
I’m falling asleep while doing homework, but still contemplating the beauty in life.  God has given me so much.  I feel like I take God for granted so often.  I forget that everything I have comes from Him.  He is just so good.

I don’t want a boyfriend.  But pursuit does flatter me, even though it may also be annoying.
Yes, a boy is pursuing me.  No he does not go to my school.  He is not approved of by some of the most important people currently in my life.  Yet I like him.  Stupidly.  We might have a date soon, just sayin’.
However, if I were to start a relationship with anyone right now, it would not be him.  So honestly, what is wrong with me?  I am flattered, that’s what is wrong with me.
I don’t know how to say no.  Someone should teach me.

I shall pause as I listen to Joseph Chang hum while doing his homework.

 

The other day, I prayed that God would give me a new camera.  It’s been so hard for me to save up right now.
Later that night, my brother said we could temporarily trade.  God really does answer prayers.

I still am unsure of what to do about so many things.  But still, I need to learn to dwell in the peace God has given me.